Today's post is little longer, which is why I broke it into 2 parts.

As to what I was thinking just now while I was on duty, there is a lot. It seems like we are back together but then again it doesn't. I feel that dear is withholding a lot from me. What exactly she is hiding, I do not know. She used to tell me almost everything. Yes, that's it. The word is "used to". I may be wrong, for this is just what my instinct tells me.

I want to know what's the deal between the both of them. Don't I have the right to know? What goes on exactly beyond my field of vision? I had a lot of time just now to back track and think... All the way back to 3rd of May. What is the exact conversation taking place while I was watching TV alone? She took about an hour, less the walking time, that would have been some 30min to 40min of talk time.How about the boot incident? Surely, there's more than meets the eye. And there's many more, I wager.

Human spirit is indeed strong, especially when driven by emotions. "Hope, human's greatest source of power and also human's greatest weakness" was what The Architect said. I figured out that she must have bestowed upon him some form of hope, without which this would not have dragged on so far. I deduced that the source of power for the "confrontation" is somewhat derived from this same hope.

Yes, it is true I'm getting suspicious. It goes without a doubt. I still remember the time when I called her 4 times, worrying sick that she might have gotten into some mishap. It turns out that she was downstairs, talking to him. Very coincidentally and conveniently, her handphone was on silent mode. Oh, why on silent mode? Let me guess! So, she could talk without your disturbance, interference and presence, you fool! And mind you, something important must be the topic. Or else, why would it warrant a silenced phone? Oh, well the phone could be put into silent mode by mistake, you know? Yes, yes, life is full of coincidence. And mistakes.

Alright. I was being sarcastic for the entire paragraph above. I just needed to get it off my chest. I just wished that dear could be more forthcoming with me. Like the way it used to be. I really missed her.

For the rest of today, I'll be alone. Like the way my Saturdays used to be. I think she'll be back late. I don't quite mind they going out but why must it be that she comes back real late and dear ends up with insufficient sleep and eye circles?

I'll talk to sweetie more tomorrow.

Taking a break from doing desk duty. Phew! I was so bored there. So bored that my thoughts started to wander. I shall leave that to later. I once read that one can uncover plenty of information from trash. For example, if you find pizza boxes, used party ware and cans of beer in your neighbour's trash bin, you can safely assume that all the ruckus you endured last night was due to this big party going on. I uncovered some interesting stuff from dear's trash bin too.

I was just doing a routine mail checking for her and was about to clear the bin when something caught my eye. "dE FiNaL CoNfRoNtAtIoN!!!" was the subject line, screaming for attention. It was dated to yesterday, that is, 30th May, 2003. A 2KB file, so I doubt it contained much. However, I'm still curious to know the contents. I didn't open it though; I'm not privileged to do so. Compare this to reality. Sure, I can open her mailbox and clear out junk mail but to tear open a letter just to feed my curiousity? It's a blatant intrusion of privacy. I didn't empty the bin; I left it to Hotmail.

What confrontation lies in there? Or is it just another attention grabber? Does it mask the true intentions and words of the email? I can think of endless possibilities but nothing is more certain hearing it from dear.

Recently, I'm been a 'bad luck' streak. First, I sparained my ankle the day before, on Wednesday, while walking down the stairs. That was somewhat my folly, as I was too engrossed in reading dear's message. Secondly, I caught a cold. Nose blocked most of the time and I can't even smell properly. Thirdly, my hard disk died on me. I've got so much precious information kept in there. My expenditure list, my mp3 but most of all, the database containing dear's SMSes. I've to get it back, no matter the cost.

Now, I'm in a Internet cafe updating this. I realised I'm addicted to my new-found source of knowledge. To be more precise, I'm addicted to what this knowledge can provide me - power. Knowledge is equivalent to power and like Oracle said, "What do powerful people want? More power." I seek more knowledge once I acquired some and this thirst is undying. It's like being addicted to the feeling of euphoria that drugs can provide, not the actual addiction to physical drugs.

I've gained some interesting insight from the source. I now understand the two factors more but I still persist in getting the confirmation I want. Unless the judge passes a sentence, the DA and defendant lawyer will continue to slug it out.

It seems that my dear is immersely disturbed and troubled. Ok, she didn't make it sound that bad on the blog; they are just my inferences. Especially about decision making. She abhors making decisions that results in potential losses, that is, a lose-lose situation being the resultant. She didn't tell me anything at all but I did sense something was amiss. Just couldn't put my finger on it though. Had I read her blog earlier, I could have listened to her troubles earlier.

Alright then! I shall make a move to buy dinner and meet sweetie for movies! Can't wait to see her!

I figured out that empathy should be a perpetual thing, not invoked on command. Thus, I've changed it.

Run empathy
*Running Empathy.exe. Empathy.exe will reside in the system tray. Please select options: New, Load, Save, Help, Exit*
Help
*Empathy Version 2.0*
New
*Preparing to start up new empathy file... Please wait... New empathy file successfully created!*

Until I choose exit, it shall be 'on' all the while. Makes more sense to have it there all the time then use it when required.

I feel kind of elated. My strategy had worked! Hypothesis proven! In what I had expected, at least. However, I'm not banking everything entirely on my own efforts; other causal factors could have come into play. This is the fun part of technology - anonymity. I went on a snooping spree just now, all in the safety of my own home. To others, I'm known only as 'hg' or 'herzberg'. Nobody really know my true identity. I'm just lines of code streaming on an open world. In an open world where knowledge is just as open, as long as you can find it, that is.

At the same time, I sense the sharp, piercing pain of the winds of change. They're howling out loud, whipping around me all this while. I must have been deaf to ignore their presence. The change was so defined, so distinct and so unwanted.

I also feel a little bit unwell. As Morpheous said, "The mind makes it real." I've been thinking too much recently and my mental worries naturally translate into physical illness. Hope that sweetie doesn't catch the flu bug from me and fall ill too. She has lost some weight due to excessive stress and cannot afford to lose more due to any illness. I think she is pigging out now.

Before I go find her in lala land, I'd like to make a note. I've discovered why the two factors are equal. I shall confirm my doubts some other day.

Off I go to lala land to look for my sweetie!

Dear said I was too self-centred and did not have empathy. I've took her words and tried and now I shall attempt to empathise yet again.

Run empathy
*Running Empathy.exe. Please select options: New, Load, Save, Help, Exit*
Help
*Empathy Version 1.0*
Ok. Still quite new. New
*Preparing to start up new empathy file... Please wait... New empathy file successfully created!*
I see things. I feel things. I feel.. I feel...
*WARNING! SYSTEM RESOURCES RUNNING LOW. Data analysis accuracy will be affected. Please ensure sufficient system resources level before proceeding.*
I feel somewhat down... Almost sad.
*System resources are below critical levels. Empathy.exe will now terminate to prevent further data analysis inaccuracy. All unsaved data analysis will be lost.*

Argh! I feeling tired. No wonder I can empathise properly. I'll get some sleep and attempt tomorrow.

Disclosure, it seems, is a coverted asset. Not only me, but many others long for it too. Disclosure comes with hurt; unless one is able to face the attached price, disclosure will lead to more problems.

The optimal use of hypothesis, correlation and simple common sense are enough to provide enough insights on certain issues, isn't it?

Seems that my sweetie has difficulties in understanding my blogs. Let's see. I see a radical change, or some prefer, paradigm shift looming before me. I'll have less cryptic words that are meant for myself only and more expressive statements to convey and illustrate my points.

It's getting disturbing with each passing moment. I'll spend some time in thoughts tonight. Correlation is of utmost importance to me. Everything is laid in front of me, bare and naked.

The satisfaction of quenching my thirst, feeling of BLD and puzzlement is what this knowledge did to me. I didn't expect to stumble upon it so suddenly; it's all chance. Some call it fate or providence. I prefer it to attribute it to my instinct. Anyway, it's interesting, though, to explore another's pysche. It's terrifying to realise how aggressive one could be and yet at the same time, the very same actions, can be deemed as superfluous.

Of course, the ever present hurt was also part of the revelation package. As I mentioned, how can there be disclosure without hurt? Why am I left un-informed? A decision was made and I seek to find out. I know the answer but I didn't really believe it entirely. A simple fact of 'action speaks louder than words'. Did I not state my wishes? Perhaps they're not specific nor firm enough.

I shall make it a point to log items of relevance each day and attempt to coincide them with the so-called facts I received from the two channels. No one-sided story there. Chances of them matching will be relatively low - that is my hypothesis. I shall observe for a period of time to see if it stands or falls.

As to my previous hypothesis, I've singled out the factor - the lake. What I see, is just tip of the iceberg; there's a lot more below. I presume that beneath the calm and still waters, lies huge amounts of activities.

Knowledge is indeed a double-edged sword. This time, it seems to aid me. I'll never forget how Lü Bu died. Neither would I forget Zhuge Liang's excellent strategies. Sun Zi's strategies proved to be of good use too. Truth, too, is a double-edged sword in this case. It touches and kills.

For once, I'm afraid in my pursuit of knowledge. I know how and where to obtain it but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid of what the knowledge might bring me. Hurt, perhaps? Or increased anxiety? I need time to accept it.

I cannot avoid and dodge all the time; it'll catch up with me eventually, be it sooner or later. I thirst for such knowledge and it can only be quenched by pushing my fears aside. This is the disclosure I'm looking for. I cannot stop. Let's see what this knowledge does to me...

I sought comfort but I found none. Change, it seems, was the underlying causal factor. Can't things go back to how they were? Didn't something known as 'memories' existed?

I still remember the words, how hard they hit and how deep they went. They came fast and furious, interjecting every now and then. They were literally peppered all around. Even though they were only expressed for a brief moment of time, I could still feel the impact. An act of vindication, dilution of interest and perhaps, indignation.

A night of revelation. A night of unmasked emotions, uncovered truths.

I'm beginning to get the picture but I do not wish to jump to conclusions. I want to confirm my doubts, suspicions, hypothesis. The silhouette is somewhere there; I can make it out but it is just too difficult for me to put my finger on it and give it a definite structure. It's just like the crystal-clear lake of the past, getting more murky by the day. I can't see the bottom and the things in the lake as I used to. Are my eyes failing me, being unable to focus properly? Or is the lake itself getting more polluted, hence becoming a pool of brackish water? Or perhaps a veil is draped across my eyes, rendering the perfect vision to see the perfect lake as imperfect? Could be any combination of the three factors.

I know so much, yet I know so little. I need more time. I need more experimentation. I need more insight. Yet, time does not aid me; it works against me. Confidence shattered, faith shaken. I want disclosure yet not hurt. Foolish desires; how can there exist disclosure without hurt?

Detested pest, uninvited yet so adored and so welcomed. However, if you can't beat them, join them. Attack where rescue can't be reached. I've the upper hand, for now. I not only sensed but saw danger lurking from the corner of my eye. It seemed so innocent, unworthy of fear or threat. I did not confront it, for I was consumed, not by rage but by fear at that point in time. Had I confronted it, I'd have dealt a whole lot more damage. Lethal even.

So close yet so far. Emotions changed and flickered at the blink of an eye, twitch of a facial muscle. So fast they changed and so short they were existent. But I could capture the exact feeling within that minute window of time. Delight, smiles and concern; cynism, sarcasm and retort. The line is so distinct, so distinct that I could see them rolling across each other's boundaries, with relative ease.

That's it. It's over. I'm really, truly, back to where I started. Alone.

This shall my last post. From now on, I won't post anymore stuff here... I'll recluse myself...

I feel miserable... Can't eat nor sleep properly... My life has been turned inside out... I'm so tired. No, not tired. Lack of energy. Can't pull myself together. Can anyone help me?

I wished I could find something to do to drown my sorrows but I can't... Everything I do reminds me of her. I can only hum this tune in my head:

Oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly grow insane
I hear your your voice on the line but it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never, how can we say forever

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times, that I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears, but i can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby, you got me going crazy...

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive this romance, but in the end if I'm with you, I'll take the chance

I dunno what to do. Life seems so meaningless now. I dunno to stay home or go out... I feel very sad... Lost count of how much tissue paper I have used since I woke up...

I'll just hide under my blanket...

Juz got up... Thought the pain will diminish after a sleep... But it didn't. It remains. My heart still feels as painful as yesterday. Didn't have a good sleep too...

I feel very sad... I'll wait for next Friday to come...

She decided to leave me alone. She says we could still be good friends. I don't want to downgrade her to become a friend. I can never treat a friend as how I treat my girlfriend because a friend can never occupy as much space as my girlfirend, either in my life or in my heart.

I thought of asking her for a movie but looks like no chance. She will do better without me. Lesser pain and hurt. Less miserable. I didn't want to let her go but I can't bear to see her in pain. I had no choice but to agree to the one week thing. Hopes she regains her smile and laughter, both of which I had not seen nor heard for a long, long time...

That's it, I guess... All alone. It's my fault for making her hurt. I've been hurt before but I've kept mum, that's why she thinks I'm OK with eveything. Think we both hurt each other equally much... And loved each other equally much too... Today's hurt is the most devastating. I feel weak and numb. Can't stand up. Lack of energy.

I know I won't be her 'Dear' in a short time; she will address some other guys that... But she will always be my 'sweetie' forever... I'll be right here waiting... Can't see well as tears are blurring my vision... I shall stop here for now...

A mixture of feelings. Dunno wad to say, dunno wad to type, dunno how to or where should I begin to express myself... This dun usually happen but when it does, I'm stumped.

Seems like a big show. Premediated. Too tired to meet yet energetic enough to meet. Why? Betrayal. Lies. Deceit. I'm out-schemed, for once. Didn't know that I could get this kind of treatment. Mind you, the show was well acted. Very well.

Nature's selection, Darwin's evolution, survival of the fittest... Am I to lose? Guess so...

I'm always asking questions but no answers. In fact, I need no answers. I already know them, just too cowardy to surface them from the depths of my mind.

I'm lost... Alone... Wandering aimlessly... Where can I stop? Where should I stop? Why stop in the first place? Why not wander then?

Saturday. A day of firsts.

The first time I saw the CDF in person. Potly but approachable. As commander put it, 'A serious man who can take jokes'. He resembles the camp MO from certain angles.

The first time I saw the 6.30pm newscaster, Cai Ying, in person. She looked quite good on TV but she appeared better in person. Sure, she may look old but she still has the looks. She is also skinny. She came along with a man and I assumed that to be her husband.

The first time I served food and cleared plates, much like a waiter. I had to put on a smiley face and pretended that I was really into my job. Think I did my act so well that one of the guests actually asked which food catering company I'm from.

The first time we we didn't watch a movie after buying the tickets. I was really frustrated and bored from all that queueing and waiting. I've been waiting for one too many times this week. I arrived early so as not to be late. But turns out that my efforts were in vain. I don't blame her. I was a fool for not realising that there wasn't enough time for her to buy me food and collect the tickets. I lost interest in the movie after waiting for so long.

The first time she walked out and me and left me alone. I brought her to a quiet place in hope that I could strike up a conversation. She seems uninterested. So I just kept quiet. I'd be better off talking to a wall. At least a wall doesn't give me an uninterested facial expression. I felt real lonely, sitting at the bridge. Everywhere, everyone was in either in pairs, quads or groups. I'm the only idiot alone. Wandering around aimlessly. Maybe she doesn't want to hear me speak. Maybe she has gotten tired of me.

Over the last couple of months, she has been asking me if we were compatible. I never had such a doubt. I wonder why she had such thoughts. I had firm and strong faith in us. She doesn't. She thinks I'm not caring nor loving enough. She doesn't see the efforts I put in. I guess what she wants is blatant expression of care and concern, just like her friends. I'm not 'her friends' and I don't intend to be like them - I am who I am. Her relentless questions and doubts had put a dent in my confidence. Maybe we aren't compatible after all...

Why does she like to ask questions to make me lost confidence? Why does she like to delibrately test my limits of jealousy? Does it pleases her so much to see me green with jealousy? Does she really need that superficial and facial expression of mine to convince her that I love her?

Another continuation. Friday wasn't any better. Got training in the morning. We went to run the SEOC but without helmet and rifle. We didn't clear any obstacles too. The sky has darkened visibly when we were at the start point and we thought that the exercise might be cut. It carried on anyway. I ran and halfway through, the rain came. I could have sought shelter and waited for the rain to stop. It wasn't a heavy rain after all. So, I decided to run it back to the end point.

The moment I exited from the vegetation, I could feel the torrential rain coming against me. It was the point of no reture, either I make it back to the end point or I ran back to the shelter. I figured out the end point was a better choice. Thus, I ran back. I was totally drenched, soaked to the skin. The rain had gotten into my boots and it was real uncomfortable. Never in my cheong suah days had I had been this wet. Oh well...

I made it back to wing line eventually. Say, newspapers are really good at absorbing moisture. I stuffed some into my boots and by night, the interior was about 90% dry. Still got a SOC test on next Tuesday. Sian...

In the afternoon, we were assigned to help out the TC branch. Seems that the commander has graduated from his LO course and is throwing the graduation party at the cadets' mess. We sat there, doing nothing and watching them rehearsing their song item. Come on! I bet the situation must have been like that: the graduands wanted a place to throw a party to celebrate, they had nowhere to go, commander thinks, 'Hey! I've a cadets' mess and whole lot of manpower to do the party!' and bravely volunteers to hold the party at his place.

Among the 24 graduands, he is the top-notch and wield most power. By virture of his position as commander, he can activate the whole OCS tho come and work on the party. Man... It was real boring, sitting there. My handphone didn't have good reception and I can't message or call Qing Qing at times. Why is it that reception at army camps sucks big time?

Well, something good did happen. Or should I say extraordinary. When the rehearsal was over, he came over and thanked each of us personally with a handshake. A firm one. He is the man. I must learn the technique of good handshaking too.

This is a continuation of my previous post. For a start, I did front desk duty for the first time on Thursday. Real boring. Just sit there, greet senior officers and put a big show on checking bags to ensure that there are no 'suspicious' items. The first hour anin't that bad as I had a partner with me. He took the morning shift till 12.30pm. From then on, I was on my own till 5pm, when he came back again.

It was so boring that I nearly fell asleep. At a point in time, I was so bored that I counted the number of bricks that make up the outer layers of pillars of the porch. Each pillar had 37 layers of bricks, consisting of 14 bricks. That makes 518 bricks on the outer layer. The most difficult part was counting as I had to use my eyes to count the layers. Man...

"I'm back to where I started - all alone. Qing Qing walked out on me for the first time. I don't blame her. I did so to her beforeand she must be dying to have a go and 'let me feel how it feels'. No argues - I lost.

The past couple of days were very draggy. I have a lot to tell her but there just weren't any chance. Now that, I can't call her during office hours, made things more difficult.

As of right now, I'm feeling depressed and lonely. She has ran out of patience and ignored me. No one cares. No one to turn to. No one to listen to me... All alone.

Every now and then, when I hear the sound of slippers being dragged along the ground, I would turn back and looked. I wished I could see her walking towards me. But I guess that won't come true; just like how I expect to see my father when I hear the sound of slippers being dragged outside my window.

The tears which has been welling up has finally broke through my conscious dam and gushed out freely.

I have so much to tell her but she doesn't seem the least interested. She tells me not to bottle things up but without someone to listen to me, how can I tell?

I made extra effort to turn up early for the movies but she arrived just about on time. I didn't want to disappoint her so I didn't mind the effort. But she doesn't see it and assumes my efforts are non-existent.

The same goes for her birthday party. She accuses me of ignoring it and I took a whole lot of flak. I didn't really mind. Nevertheless, I was hurt. It's ok if my efforts go unnoticed but being accused wrongly? She sees things too superficially. I could have made a big hoo-ha and 'showed' how helpful I was but that wouldn't be me. That isn't how I work.

Above is an excerpt from my notebook. I wrote this while sitting alone at Cavenagh Bridge, some where at Singapore River and near The Fullerton Hotel. If not for my writing materials, I'd have gone crazy from all that bottling up. It was a summary of what was going through my head at that time.

A lot has happened over the past few days. Wanna tell Qing Qing but no chance. Either she sound too uninterested or I'm tired. I remembered I once told her, "What I don't say, I'll write." I shall refine that a little - "What I don't or can't express in verbal laguage, I will do so in written form."