I had a bad migraine yesterday. As much as I was reeling in pain, I managed to chronicle the event. This would enable me to furnish my specialist with more deatiled information and to diagnose my condition with greater accuracy. The last appointment, he asked many questions, some which I never had given much thought or taken note. I sure the next appointment, I'll be able to to answer most of the questions.

My right periperhal vision started to see some "aura" at about 8am. I can't exactly explain what it was I saw but they are definitely not helping in my vision. By 8.20am, I had a total loss of vision in the right eye. I could not focus and all I saw was those "aura" stuff. My left eye was still well.

The vision blurring subsided at around 8.25am and the left side of my head began to throb. I remebered that distinct pain. I immediately downed a painkiller. Guess what? For 8 painkillers, they cost $77.40! Works out to be $9.60 per pill. The painkiller didn't seem to help and the pain intensified.

By 9.30am, it had reached its peak and no matter how hard I hammered my head with my fist, the external pain pales in comparison with the internal one. At that point in time, I wished someone could just knock me out cold and render me unconscious. I somehow managed to doze off amid the terrible pain. The sleep was interrupted every now and then.

I woke up at 10.50am. The pain had subsided a lot but a dull, throbbing pain still lingered. It was not that painful; it was more of a nuisance than anything. By 12om, the pain ceased totally. However, if I shake my head forcefully, I can still feel the left side hurting. This triggered pain ceased totally by this morning, after a night's rest.

From this attack, I realised something. I used to think that I was only sensitive to light during an attack. I was wrong. I had to distance myself from the blaring radio yesterday. I'll take note and update the specialist accordingly.

I guess I was too tired. I wanted to get up at 10 but I couldn't. I carried on sleeping for 1½ hours more. She was already out with her sister for lunch when I caleed. Rats. Plans ruined by my fatigue and sleep. Me again. I lounged around at home while chatting to Eric. He had this program that might work with my CD-writer but hell, it was 31MB. I guess I'll download it from him tomorrow night.

We settled for a swim, followed by dinner at Purvis Street. My lunch and breakfast was only a hamburger. Oh yes. I forgot to add it just now. Here goes:

Sun, 27, Jul 03 - $1 for Mac hamburger

She didn't seemed concerned about the fact that that was the only thing I ate for the day. Oh, well. I asked for it to wake up late and be late.

I didn't really swim. Just did 1 lap. Most of the time was spent talking by the gutters. I was unhappy and still am.

Choon Lee was right all along. When he told me in-the-face, "Face it! Accept the reality! You are poor; you've no money.", I felt insulted and that he is trying to be mean. Now I think he can't be any more right. "Money cannot buy happiness"; this statement is inherently flawed and awfully inaccurate. Whoever came up with this must have been dreadfully myopic. My version should be a more accurate intepretation : "Money cannot buy happiness directly". One more word to make all the difference.

I concede to it. But not for long. I'm going to make my big break and reverse all these. I'll become wealthy, obscenely wealthy and have all the naysayers bow before me. Whoever disagrees with me about having money is everything will be convinced. Think spiritual attainement is enough? Try doing that when you are starving and have no means to buy food.

Alright, that was overdoing things a little there. My point is I'm not going to stay like this. Man, it sucks to be poor. Then again, some rich guy somewhere might be saying the complete opposite. But that's another story.

Choon Lee also mentioned about keeping contacts. The friend that you know now may be of immense help in future. I did some maintenance of contacts yesterday and today. So far, three has repiled. I'll do some more tomorrow. I think he's a godsend. I've learned a lot from him for the past week. It's a bummer that I'm posting out soon. However, his number won't be erased from my phone book for some time.

Evry now and then, I hear people commenting that it was a pity for me to drop out from OCS, even to the point that I'm somewhat taken in by their words. Bah! That's all bullshit. If not for this, I might not have known such a great advisor.

That's quite a handful for today. I must rest my tired eyes now.

Bummer. I have so much to say and think but when I face this text box, I short for words. It always happen. Let's see. I shall begin with some expediture update:

Sat, 26, Jul 03 - $4.50 for nasi lemak, $0.40 for chin chow
Sun 27, Jul 03 - $10 for cash card, $10 for BBQ stingray, $0.60 for pool entrance, $1 for pancakes @ $0.50 each

Yesterday, I cycled all the way to Bedok. I've always been wanting to try that and yesterday was the day. I was feeling bored and restless. My bicycle pump tubing is broken. Bummer. I managed to seal the leak with some duct tape though.

The journey wasn't that tough. The only main obstacle I faced was a flyover over PIE. I could have cycled along the road and crossed it easily but I lacked the confidence to do so. Thus, I followed along the pavement.

I ended up at Bedok North Park. It was a small knoll which had tracks spiraling upwards. It was drizzling and I was nowhere near my destination. I finally located an overhead bridge and hauled my bike 4.5m up to cross to the other side. I think my bike is kind of heavy as heaving it up the bridge was not as easy as I thought.

I truly understood and appreciated the usefulness of gears yesterday. Low gear when going uphill will make the work a lot easier. Braking is just as important, especially when going downhill on a steep slope.

I also understood the vulnerability of being a motorcyclist. For a short distance while I was cycling on the road, vehicles, both big and small, whizzed past me. It seems as if I could be smashed into smithereens anytime. Sure, I can take all the safety precautions and mind my own business but what if someone else collide into me? Am I to blame him/her? Might as well I don't take the risk and forsake a motorcycle.

This is yet another backlog but for yesterday.

It was a day where my loyalty was tested. Soap operas often show scenes of a guy torn between his mother and girlfriend/wife. I usually scoffed at such drama, thinking it was the inept guy who was to blame for his inability to take sides. And I thought I was spared from such a scenario, for I know exactly how to react should I land myself into one. Or so I thought.

Prior to my departure from home, mom fried some waxed sausage and prepared lunch. It was folly on my part for not informing her that I intended to go out for lunch. I was still early and I made quick work of the lunch. Midway through my lunch, I felt sudden spasms in my stomach and I had to stop lunch to visit the toilet.

Man! It was a bad diarrhoea alright. Not once but twice. As such I turned up late for meeting her. That was enough to piss her off bad. That was also the start of more events to come, eventually leading to a long period of awkard silence and arguements.

I was regretting my decision to somewhat please my mom and stayed for lunch. Had I not done so, I would have made it on time, even with diarrhoea. This is just like the time when I missed the bus when I was talking to Teo.

I had enough. My moment of weakness lead to so many other things. The last time round, I spent some extra money. This time round, I may end up losing more.

This is a backlog entry. I wanted to update this last week but it keeps slipping my mind.

Guess what? I'm back at TDS. For the time being anyway. I told Warrant Soh of my feelings and thoughts. It was really suppressing the moment I reached camp. It was real bad, as if I had a big burden weighing me down and some sort of vise closing in on my throat.

I told him that I was not confident at doing the job. He did mentioned something like, "I want someone with interest and motivation for the job" during the interview the previous day. Nah, not me. I thought it could be fun for a change but I was sorely wrong.

Anyway, he got my message and which is why I'm back. I learnt to appreciate the little things in life which I had neglected. For example, the radio in the background never sounded so good. I also tidied up the place, out of my own initiative. I guess this awareness lead me to appreciate the office more.

After so much complaining, I still have not gone into my new job scope. Essentially (and without disclosing restricted information), I am to plan the training schedule for the whole of SISPEC, which includes BSLC, ASLC and ASTW. My position? Training specialist. I'll be dealing a lot with external agencies with regard to planning of the various training lessons.

It's a lot of responsibilty. I can foresee myself being hectic and all that. I guess the job is alright, it's the environment. It's not every conducive, at least for me. The atmosphere, as I feel, is heavy and stern. Not much room for joking around and loud conversations.

I'd really like to remain in TDS. I know the place inside out and I'm familiar with most of the daily and monthly operations. Then at the same time, something in my head tells me that I made in through so many transitions and diverse environments, this is just another one; I'll be able to pull through.

I think I grow attached to one place easily, especially when I develop some form of comadarie with my colleagues. I felt the same way as today when I was transferred from Tango Wing to Alpha Wing, when I was transferred from Alpha Wing to Bravo Wing to become a clerk, when I was transferred from Bravo Wing to SISPEC, when I was transferred from Specialists' Mess to TDS and now from TDS to TO.

Of course, I don't get this disonance whenever I change environment. I didn't feel sad when I OOC to become a storeman.

Let me sleep on the idea for tonight before I make up my mind.

I got transferred again. Remember what I said about being transferred to TO? It's fixed. My feelings are mixed. I don't really know whether to accept or not. The fact is when I was asked if I can take the job, I actually said yes! Man, my heart was like, "NO WAY! Over my dead body!"

Last week, when I went over to TO for a while, I felt alienated. It's always like that. I guess everyone goes throught this feeling of alienation when they are exposed to a new environment. When I got back to TDS and sat in that corner where I used to sleep, I felt a lot more relieved. It's as if I'm back to my nest, my comfort zone.

I'm feel so at ease when I'm back at the seat there. The smell, the surroundings, the radio; they are all so comforting. Especially the radio. There's no radio playing in the background at TO. It's deadly quiet. Alright, I suppose you can't really play radio when there are 3 Warrant Officers in the office.

Radio has always been something special to me. It represents freedom and carefree. It's something that connects me to the outside world when I'm the army. I enjoying listening to the music being played and I quickly take it for granted.

They ran a cable from TDS all the way to the toilet and placed a speaker there. Every trip to the toilet today was agonizing as the blaring music reminded me of my carefree days in TDS. If I could listen to music, I guess it wouldn't be so bad.

I got transferred again. Remember what I said about being transferred to TO? It's fixed. My feelings are mixed. I don't really know whether to accept or not. The fact is when I was asked if I can take the job, I actually said yes! Man, my heart was like, "NO WAY! Over my dead body!"

Last week, when I went over to TO for a while, I felt alienated. It's always like that. I guess everyone goes throught this feeling of alienation when they are exposed to a new environment. When I got back to TDS and sat in that corner where I used to sleep, I felt a lot more relieved. It's as if I'm back to my nest, my comfort zone.

I'm feel so at ease when I'm back at the seat there. The smell, the surroundings, the radio; they are all so comforting. Especially the radio.

Just got my phone bill. I managed to cut the bill by aorund $60, $170 to $115. That is about 35% reduction. Not bad but I think it can be cut further. The bulk to the bill is attributed to calling. I've already cut down on calling. I shall wait for the next bill and see if it works. If the cost is still about the same, I shall consider taking up a new plan.

Dear went for a course today. Ask her more about that later. I messaged a couple of times but all no replies. Perhaps her battery went flat? Or maybe she didn't want to reply? I wondered if she had dinner? How about her cramps? Is she feeling better? Hmmm...

A sudden change of events today. I was called up to TO. I later then found out that one of the guys there was leaving and he needed and under-study. Two candidates turned up, me and Nicholas.

We were both interviewed separately. I was told the vigorous and demanding nature of the job. Man, it sounds real lousy. Have to work late at times, short deadlines to meet and worst of all, no stay-out. OK, stay-in isn't so bad. If I selected for the job, it means I'll become a perm staff there. This also means I'll have to do duty. Man, this is the really sucky part of army. Duty everywhere. Look at the private sector. See anyone staying back to man the office on weekends or after 6pm?

As with anything, this job comes with some benefits too. The most evident one is that I'm no longer be an OOC. There is also a possibilty of promotion to third sergeant, meaning an increase in pay. I'll also get a PC to myself, for official use or otherwise.

I shall wait and see what happens on Monday.

The second part for today's 2 part special.

I was nearly late for my appointment. I had to waste 15 bucks taking a cab just to rush there. I was real upset and looking for something/someone to blame. There wasn't. For I was the ultimate cause.

I was talking to Teo as he sounded real down last night. I didn't really take note of the time and I missed the bus. I ended up waiting for 1 hour. I t was not so bad, at least I got to eat lunch during that period of time.

I reached main land at 1415. To take public transport and meet my appointment at 3pm is impossible.

I was thinking, "Man! I listened to his woes and offered help. In the end, I'm late. That's it, I'm not gonna sacrifice myself for others anymore!" On hind sight, the talk wasn't so bad after all. I learnt some new stuff regarding the driving test. He got his license within 2 months and told me some tricks to pass. Oh, well. Take it as I paid for his information.

He seemed fine now but there's more turmoil in the mess now. Seems that everyone has fallen out with Edwin and can't wait to see him being posted out. I must admit he is self-centred at times but I didn't know others thought so badly of him. Should I go and try to help? Will I worsen things? And am I self-sacrificing again?

I'm no longer at the mess now but I hate to see the once-cordial, ok, the once-not-so-cordial atmoshpere become a war zone.

Been some time since my last post. Got home early today as I went for a medical appointment at SGH. It was just to see one of the specialists at the Specialists Outpatient Clinic. The doctor was nice and congenial, unlike the camp MOs who are often haughty and sarcastic.

He prescribed me with some strong painkillers. So strong that the maximum dosage per day is 2 tablets and there must be a 4 hour interval between each dosage. I hope that works.

All the fees were paid for. $21 for the consultation and an unknown amount for the medicine. I guess this is the time when it pays to be in the SAF. Perhaps the only time.

Training Development Section, TDS, the place I'm attached to now is not a bad place to work in. I suppose it's the best among the different departments in the HQ block. I learnt a new thing while I was there, i.e. OOC hold more power than anyone else in the HQ.

Yes, it is true that the CO can say a few words and you get endless extras but that is authority, not power. Power stems from the nature of your work and not position. Let's take those guys at AO for instance. They have access to everyone's dockets. I overheard one of them saying, "All I need to do is to take out all his medical certificates! So, he better not piss me off."

Without his MCs to prove his absence, the person in question is rendered effectively AWOL. I took great care in not getting in that guy's way. He may be only an OOC and a Private but his power far exceeds mine, or anyone else ranking above him.

It's really the low-ranking staff and OOCs who run the whole HQ. Imagine a day without us. Would the CO know where to get his papers? Will the instructors know where to get their lesson plans? How about the mess? Who will be there to serve and clean up? We are the unsung heroes who form the bulk to the driving force and yet we are treated like dirt. I demand more recognition!