Why? - Chapter 3

I guess what I'm really looking for is closure - an answer to all my "whys". I only realized this when I in the shower an hour ago, squatting on the floor with tears welling up in my eyes. They did not flow out then but they aew now.

Why am I out with my aunts when other kids were out with their parents? Why can't you spare the time? Why did my cousins get the chance to eat with their parents while I don't? Why were you not there to comfort me when I was frightened and scared? Why was it my grandma (maternal)?

Why were you not there when I was ill and vulnerable? Why were you not the one who carried me to the doctor's? Why was it my aunt instead? Why were you not the one who fetched me from school? Why was it again my aunt?

Why were you not the one who taught me how to write? Why was it my grandma (maternal)? Why were you not the one who taught me how to read? Why was it my aunt? Why were you not the one who answered my queries? Why was it the books, television and my own imagination?

Why do I have to live the life of a prematured orphan when both of my parents were alive and well? Why abandon me? Am I really "picked up from the trash", as what grandma (maternal) said? Why were you not there when I needed you most but appear when I wish you were dead? Why can't you be like any other parents?

Why must I bear your debts? Why didn't you buy insurance for the flat in the first place? I don't mind if you left me no inheritance but why leave me debts, Dad? Why must I take a loan from the bank to study for university when others have their fees paid for by their parents? Did you plan for me, at all?

All I'm asking for are"normal" parents; is that too much of a request? OK, perhaps it is now, given that one is 6 feet below.

I want reasons, fricking reasons, dammit!