Why? - Chapter 2
A few months ago, I had this thought. My mother is getting on in years and would it really kill me to oblige her every now and then and make her happy? For some reasons, I thought a reconciliation might have worked out. Not anymore.
The letter that she showed me was the stark reality of what is to come. Do I deserve this burden on me? Why am I shouldering this? "Because I'm her son?" C'mon, you gotta give me a better reason than this!
Thinking of how I was treated when I was a child, it really didn't made sense for me to care so much about my parents. Quoted from one of my previous postings:
"Parents are suppose to take care of and love their children, isn't it? Parents are suppose to ensure that their children have a happy childhood, isn't it? Parents are suppose to make sure that their children gets the best, isn't it? Why aren't mine doing so? Why don't I have parents like everyone else?"
I guess prolonged exposure to my mother made me soft. It weakened me. It made me forget that it was my parents who caused me to be in this state. And I don't want to forget. I had this grand scheme to put them up in an old folks' home for 17 years, starting from the day I got married. Why 17? Simple, that's exactly the number of years that abandon me at my maternal grandmother's place. If at the end of 17 years, both of them are still alive, I'll then bring them back, just like what they did to me. Now that only one of them remains, I can't say for sure if I'm going to abort the plan or carry it out as planned.
But what I can say for sure is that I'm really not going to visit my father's tomb this year. Forever, maybe. Again, quoted from my previous post:
"As I told myself some time ago, I'm never going to the graveyard to visit his tomb again."
As much as I tried to keep my word with others, I betrayed myself; I went along with the little charade last year. I'm going to make my intentions known to my mother - no more graveyard trips during the graveyard hours. Hell, even if it's in the day, I'm not going either. Lest she complains of me springing a surprise on her at the eleventh hour, I'm going to tell her within these few days.
If she's going to ask me for reasons, I'm going say, "Look, it makes no sense. I don't go, he appears in my dreams. I go, I get no benefits out of it. He's my father for fuck's sake, shouldn't he be blessing me or something, if I made the effort to go? Sure, go on. Brand me an "unfillial child" and I'll tell you how much I suffered at the hands of my equally useless parents."
The letter that she showed me was the stark reality of what is to come. Do I deserve this burden on me? Why am I shouldering this? "Because I'm her son?" C'mon, you gotta give me a better reason than this!
Thinking of how I was treated when I was a child, it really didn't made sense for me to care so much about my parents. Quoted from one of my previous postings:
"Parents are suppose to take care of and love their children, isn't it? Parents are suppose to ensure that their children have a happy childhood, isn't it? Parents are suppose to make sure that their children gets the best, isn't it? Why aren't mine doing so? Why don't I have parents like everyone else?"
I guess prolonged exposure to my mother made me soft. It weakened me. It made me forget that it was my parents who caused me to be in this state. And I don't want to forget. I had this grand scheme to put them up in an old folks' home for 17 years, starting from the day I got married. Why 17? Simple, that's exactly the number of years that abandon me at my maternal grandmother's place. If at the end of 17 years, both of them are still alive, I'll then bring them back, just like what they did to me. Now that only one of them remains, I can't say for sure if I'm going to abort the plan or carry it out as planned.
But what I can say for sure is that I'm really not going to visit my father's tomb this year. Forever, maybe. Again, quoted from my previous post:
"As I told myself some time ago, I'm never going to the graveyard to visit his tomb again."
As much as I tried to keep my word with others, I betrayed myself; I went along with the little charade last year. I'm going to make my intentions known to my mother - no more graveyard trips during the graveyard hours. Hell, even if it's in the day, I'm not going either. Lest she complains of me springing a surprise on her at the eleventh hour, I'm going to tell her within these few days.
If she's going to ask me for reasons, I'm going say, "Look, it makes no sense. I don't go, he appears in my dreams. I go, I get no benefits out of it. He's my father for fuck's sake, shouldn't he be blessing me or something, if I made the effort to go? Sure, go on. Brand me an "unfillial child" and I'll tell you how much I suffered at the hands of my equally useless parents."
posted by hg @ 22:53
1 Comments:
At 12:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Hg,
Came across your blog while I was surfing. Know it sucks not to have a proper family... Hope you'd be more positive about everything though =) And try not to think so much eh.. ^.^ Best of luck for your study!
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