The last straw
It has been 3 years since I last saw my father breathing his last. Well, to be exact, 3 years and 8 days. I was rudely awaken by my mother in the morning. Yes, she told me the night before that she was going to wake me up early. Still, that doesn't I wasn't pissed by the fact that she interrupted my sleep. I washed up, offered incense and went to to bed. About 15 minutes later, she got me up again. This time round, we went down to burn the paper offerings. I thought to myself as I was making my way down, "How much money went into buying all these stuff?"
Fact is, it's quite a fair bit. Those unscrupulous undertakers sell all these paper offerings at exorbitant prices. It's just paper, nothing else. For all you know, it could jolly well be recycled paper! Well, perhaps they are charging for workmanship but I'm certainly not impressed by that.
Even in death, my father remains a liability. When he was alive, money was spent on medical fees. When he died, money was spent on funeral expenses. 3 years later and we're still spending money on him. How long does this has to go on? Eternity? For as long as I live? Not only money is spent, precious time is used up too. I don't want to carry this liability with me forever. I want to be liberated from this burden. Since there is no one to liberate me, I liberate myself.
As I told myself some time ago, I'm never going to the graveyard to visit his tomb again. Same thing here, after my mother is dead, I shall cease this pointless tradition of praying to the dead. The dead should remain as they are, dead and lifeless. They have no business in bothering the living, especially taxing the living. Actually, I don't need to wait till she dies. All I need to do is to wait till the day she can no longer carry on this silly custom and that doesn't necessarily mean that she has to die, right?
I see absolutely no purpose in this. Animals don't mourn their dead. Well, alright, elephants do but in general, most animals don't. As humans, we're suppose to be smarter than mere animals but yet we do such senseless things? Does it make sense to spend thousands of dollars for a grand funeral? Does it make sense to spend endless amount of money on offerings, year after year? People claim that the offerings are used to appease the dead. I say, they spend all these money to appease themselves. Is it not true? They burn offerings, in hope of not incurring the deads' wrath. Is this not spending money to give themselves a piece of mind? Stop this bullshit on "appeasing of the dead"; just be true to yourselves and admit that you are doing it out of self-gratification.
This brings me to another point. My only remaining grandparent is in her seventies. Not long more before her cells call it quits. When that day comes, I won't bother to attend the funeral. My mother claimed she wouldn't go too (out of some personal grudges against her) but I doubt she will hold true to her words. I'm really done attending and helping out in funerals. The only funeral I may want to attend is my mother's. Nothing more. I really have no wish to stay and help out in anymore of these senseless mourning sessions. I don't care what the relatives are going to say, after all, I cannot control their words. I don't care if there's any inheritance to divide, for I have no wish to engage in a a deathmatch over money. If there's anything for me, the old hag would have decreed it well before her death.
Yes, it's true. I AM a selfish person. I was, I still am and in the future, I will be. I'm far too pragmatic to waste my resources and time on events that I deem as insignificant or purposeless. Visiting the graveyard in the wee hours of the morning, getting up early to burn paper offerings and "playing the role of a filial descendant" in funerals are fine examples of such events.
Get out of my life, dad. You are dead and should remain as that. I don't need to reminded of the day when I stood there, watching you exhaling your last breathe. I don't need to reminded of the day when the doctor announced, "Mrs Wee, I'm sorry but Mr Wee's heart has stopped." I don't need to reminded of the day when I looked at you lying in the coffin. I don't need to reminded of the sound of the hammers, driving the nails deeper into the coffin with every "thump". I don't need to reminded of the day when there was no one else other than mother and I keeping vigil at the wake. I don't need to reminded of the day when I saw them lowering your coffin into the pit. Most of all, I don't need to reminded of how helpless I felt, when I looked at you, growing weaker with each passing day, knowing that you will soon die and yet there was absolutely nothing I could do. All these memories should have been buried along with you, the day they threw a layer of concrete over your coffin.
You left me nothing but debts, liabilities and burden. An unpaid housing loan, unpaid income taxes and a mother to look after. I really don't need your contribution anymore.
Fact is, it's quite a fair bit. Those unscrupulous undertakers sell all these paper offerings at exorbitant prices. It's just paper, nothing else. For all you know, it could jolly well be recycled paper! Well, perhaps they are charging for workmanship but I'm certainly not impressed by that.
Even in death, my father remains a liability. When he was alive, money was spent on medical fees. When he died, money was spent on funeral expenses. 3 years later and we're still spending money on him. How long does this has to go on? Eternity? For as long as I live? Not only money is spent, precious time is used up too. I don't want to carry this liability with me forever. I want to be liberated from this burden. Since there is no one to liberate me, I liberate myself.
As I told myself some time ago, I'm never going to the graveyard to visit his tomb again. Same thing here, after my mother is dead, I shall cease this pointless tradition of praying to the dead. The dead should remain as they are, dead and lifeless. They have no business in bothering the living, especially taxing the living. Actually, I don't need to wait till she dies. All I need to do is to wait till the day she can no longer carry on this silly custom and that doesn't necessarily mean that she has to die, right?
I see absolutely no purpose in this. Animals don't mourn their dead. Well, alright, elephants do but in general, most animals don't. As humans, we're suppose to be smarter than mere animals but yet we do such senseless things? Does it make sense to spend thousands of dollars for a grand funeral? Does it make sense to spend endless amount of money on offerings, year after year? People claim that the offerings are used to appease the dead. I say, they spend all these money to appease themselves. Is it not true? They burn offerings, in hope of not incurring the deads' wrath. Is this not spending money to give themselves a piece of mind? Stop this bullshit on "appeasing of the dead"; just be true to yourselves and admit that you are doing it out of self-gratification.
This brings me to another point. My only remaining grandparent is in her seventies. Not long more before her cells call it quits. When that day comes, I won't bother to attend the funeral. My mother claimed she wouldn't go too (out of some personal grudges against her) but I doubt she will hold true to her words. I'm really done attending and helping out in funerals. The only funeral I may want to attend is my mother's. Nothing more. I really have no wish to stay and help out in anymore of these senseless mourning sessions. I don't care what the relatives are going to say, after all, I cannot control their words. I don't care if there's any inheritance to divide, for I have no wish to engage in a a deathmatch over money. If there's anything for me, the old hag would have decreed it well before her death.
Yes, it's true. I AM a selfish person. I was, I still am and in the future, I will be. I'm far too pragmatic to waste my resources and time on events that I deem as insignificant or purposeless. Visiting the graveyard in the wee hours of the morning, getting up early to burn paper offerings and "playing the role of a filial descendant" in funerals are fine examples of such events.
Get out of my life, dad. You are dead and should remain as that. I don't need to reminded of the day when I stood there, watching you exhaling your last breathe. I don't need to reminded of the day when the doctor announced, "Mrs Wee, I'm sorry but Mr Wee's heart has stopped." I don't need to reminded of the day when I looked at you lying in the coffin. I don't need to reminded of the sound of the hammers, driving the nails deeper into the coffin with every "thump". I don't need to reminded of the day when there was no one else other than mother and I keeping vigil at the wake. I don't need to reminded of the day when I saw them lowering your coffin into the pit. Most of all, I don't need to reminded of how helpless I felt, when I looked at you, growing weaker with each passing day, knowing that you will soon die and yet there was absolutely nothing I could do. All these memories should have been buried along with you, the day they threw a layer of concrete over your coffin.
You left me nothing but debts, liabilities and burden. An unpaid housing loan, unpaid income taxes and a mother to look after. I really don't need your contribution anymore.
posted by hg @ 22:23
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